this is odd........

ok so ive been battling my weight since i was a teenager...when i get stressed i eat but this week after standing on the scale and ONLY losing the 1/2 pound i have done the complete opposite i am not eating...this is odd. dont get me wrong i am eating what im supposed to and writing it all down but im not inhaling junk or pasta just to be comforted or just because.....is it because i hate to be defeated..or is it because im learning or is it ive just gotten to the point that im done repeating all the mistakes ive been doing before? i want to feel like me again...i want to be able to look in the mirror and not see an ugly blob..i want to feel attractive..and i want to do it all for me...i cant please everyone but i hope to god i am actually realizing i only have to please me!!!! crazy thought aint it?

too little too late.....?......

as u know the hell of last week....oh no i mean school vacation week is over....yay..my youngest did something to his knee and he has been chairbound...my oldest has been well the same disrespecting teenager as always and ive well i haven't enhaled oreos...YAY FOR ME! today is sunday and we went to wrights all u can eat chicken farm for my nanas 94th birthday. this morning my "hubby" before mass told me that he is upset with me because he feels like my teenager is joining the military to get away from me....and if i dont stop being so strict i will drive my youngest away.....and a barrage of emotional fighting insues.....and then i need to go CELEBRATE my grams dinner happy happy joy joy.......i couldnt even eat my food,,,check that....i ate it then was so stressed it didnt stay down......then i dont want to eat anything because of the way in or i want to eat everything all at once...did i start this diet to late am i doing to little to help myself lose weight...? this blog helps and hurts at the same time please bear with me......tomorrow is weigh in day sigh should i give it all up?

white or red....?

stress is such a powerful thing ...it controls your moods your diet and your overall pissiness. who in there right mind came up with school vacation??. it is such a joyous time for children and a JOYOUS Whimisical time for moms NOT!I im dieting (as u know) and my children make me want to just inhale all the chocolate in the universe..but i dont..i picture salad as caramel and fish as a juicy burger.hey it helps lol...i was doing ok till my son (the cute one) hurt his knee...mom i cant move it...i cant put pessure ..yes it swollen...( how quick can i make to dq for a blizzard is all i think)i sat and ate 5 miniature candies ...yes i wasted 5 points but hey it wasn't a package of oreos.....i love my children and i hate when they are hurt and there is nothing i can do for them but cmon do they really need to whine whine whine.....but then again i always feel better after i WINE alittle....lol

tooo scared to step on scale........

okay so it wasn't too bad im down 3.2 pounds yay! i still feel like it wasnt enough but hell its a start.losing the physical weight is a beginning ut i think i need to really confront the issues that cause me to eat. im not happy....i cant remember the last time i was happy....i feel like im just walking thru my life and the journey is hard and suffocating. i feel no worth ..im a mom a wife and a daughter but im not me...deb...but then again who is deb? lol...i know a diva on diet. i look at myself in the mirror and i see just a blob...dont feel attractive or sexy or worth it..which is crazy i know ... but its honest..i feel as though i seem to be putting everyone first....which is how its supposed be right?

letting go of the oreo........

ok so on the 12th of april i humbily signed up for weight watchers....stepped on the scale and told the woman..dont tell me just write it down and ill look at it later...i sat thru the meeting and felt a tad optimistic( i think i can i think i can )...but again i still hadnt looked at my actual weight...i finished my meeting....got in my minivan (my comfort zone) and looked at the number.......OMG omg OMG...how the hell did that happened? how did i lose such control of my weight?...this body no way reflects the person that is being choked by the fat it conains . was it the oreos...the bread...the chocolate ....? food for me has been a crutch....i firmly admit i am a emotional eater!!!! how come oreos taste better than carrots? how come the are so yummy and u cant just eat one? dam things.....so this is it im saying good bye to those heavenly objects that have double stuffed creme and the wonderful taste of chocolate........