selfish........

i wonder what its like to be selfish...to not have to worry about anyone else. their feelings, needs or their happiness......i unfortunately am not selfish...i have been taking care of other people non stop since my youngest broke his arm in september. (dont get me wrong ive been taking care of them their whole life but more so since then)first the wrist then a sprained knee...then older child broke his collarbone in three places then hubby had hiccups for six days and needed hospital care...get ready im gonna whine......IM DONE! these people in my house have sucked the life out of me.....i have had no time to breathe...or read or just be me...ive been a nurse too long without pay lol....my weight has not been affected to bad... i have lost 10 pounds in 8 weeks ya but i feel like it has a battle to take time to work on losing weight///i feel guilty leaving my house to walk/// i feel guilty spending the xtra money for the healthy food and i feel like i dont deserve it....i dont deserve the xtra things i need to lose more ...my family is too needy...all of them and im not Selfish.

thoughts and feelings suck!!!!!

i havent been bloggin for awhile because well my head was all screwed up and way too much going on for me to breathe nevermind blog. last tuesday my seventeen year old got bwoken.....really bwoken..so we had an awesome trip to the milford hospital to deal with a not so bright er doc who precedes to tell me that ahhh just put a sling on it it will be fine in a week.yeah that didnt sit with me...i had a really bad feeling and my son is in excruciating pain.....not flying with me ...this mama bear is going to get very protective of her baby bear (even though he is the one who bought me so much stress) so get out of my way. i call an ortho doc i know and make him see him.....within 5 min of looking at the same er xrays he turns to me and said DEB HIS COLLARBONE IS BROKEN IN THREE PLACES....wait a minute what seriously what????
so surgery scheduled asap and im sooo glad i got him in there. thank god there are amazing doctors who know what the hell they r talking about and are skilled enough to fix my son.......who cares about my weight my son is my priority right now....i probably gained 5 pounds..........

today ...dare i say it was a good day.....no drama..i got jewlery.....visited my nana and dare i say it ...my teenager was actually civil to me what?!?!?..am i dying? lol.....i had a really crazy week....had a field trip scheduled with my fourth grader that was rescheduled due to rain.....and went into boston monday night for some much needed me time no hubby no kids.....then worked on tuesday..then the resheduled field trip.. did i tell ya it was up a mountain...WTH WAS I THINKIN?...i am so proud i actually made it up 2/3 mountain..woohooo. i was actually thinking i was going to die but i did it...then i went to weight watchers on friday. before i tell you the outcome..ill tell u about the rest of my week. my nana, the second most important woman in my life got ill, yes she is 94 but im not ready to lose her. so on top of it all the everyday i was scared for my nana. as i said i went out on monday night and had some me time...i spent time with a amazing friend who let me laugh, or, be silly and just let be me....which was what i needed to reconnect with who i am and what i want....and what i want is to be healthier and to be thinner and to feel good in my skin and not to feel and look like a blob. ok so as i stepped on the scale i was hoping beyond betond hope it was going to be more than a blasted 1/2 a pound. she looks at me and says...wait for it....DOWN 3 POUNDS...im ecstatic....ive worked hard this week..this makes 6.8 pounds in 3 weeks
ill be in a bikini in no time.......NOT!

this is odd........

ok so ive been battling my weight since i was a teenager...when i get stressed i eat but this week after standing on the scale and ONLY losing the 1/2 pound i have done the complete opposite i am not eating...this is odd. dont get me wrong i am eating what im supposed to and writing it all down but im not inhaling junk or pasta just to be comforted or just because.....is it because i hate to be defeated..or is it because im learning or is it ive just gotten to the point that im done repeating all the mistakes ive been doing before? i want to feel like me again...i want to be able to look in the mirror and not see an ugly blob..i want to feel attractive..and i want to do it all for me...i cant please everyone but i hope to god i am actually realizing i only have to please me!!!! crazy thought aint it?

too little too late.....?......

as u know the hell of last week....oh no i mean school vacation week is over....yay..my youngest did something to his knee and he has been chairbound...my oldest has been well the same disrespecting teenager as always and ive well i haven't enhaled oreos...YAY FOR ME! today is sunday and we went to wrights all u can eat chicken farm for my nanas 94th birthday. this morning my "hubby" before mass told me that he is upset with me because he feels like my teenager is joining the military to get away from me....and if i dont stop being so strict i will drive my youngest away.....and a barrage of emotional fighting insues.....and then i need to go CELEBRATE my grams dinner happy happy joy joy.......i couldnt even eat my food,,,check that....i ate it then was so stressed it didnt stay down......then i dont want to eat anything because of the way in or i want to eat everything all at once...did i start this diet to late am i doing to little to help myself lose weight...? this blog helps and hurts at the same time please bear with me......tomorrow is weigh in day sigh should i give it all up?

white or red....?

stress is such a powerful thing ...it controls your moods your diet and your overall pissiness. who in there right mind came up with school vacation??. it is such a joyous time for children and a JOYOUS Whimisical time for moms NOT!I im dieting (as u know) and my children make me want to just inhale all the chocolate in the universe..but i dont..i picture salad as caramel and fish as a juicy burger.hey it helps lol...i was doing ok till my son (the cute one) hurt his knee...mom i cant move it...i cant put pessure ..yes it swollen...( how quick can i make to dq for a blizzard is all i think)i sat and ate 5 miniature candies ...yes i wasted 5 points but hey it wasn't a package of oreos.....i love my children and i hate when they are hurt and there is nothing i can do for them but cmon do they really need to whine whine whine.....but then again i always feel better after i WINE alittle....lol

tooo scared to step on scale........

okay so it wasn't too bad im down 3.2 pounds yay! i still feel like it wasnt enough but hell its a start.losing the physical weight is a beginning ut i think i need to really confront the issues that cause me to eat. im not happy....i cant remember the last time i was happy....i feel like im just walking thru my life and the journey is hard and suffocating. i feel no worth ..im a mom a wife and a daughter but im not me...deb...but then again who is deb? lol...i know a diva on diet. i look at myself in the mirror and i see just a blob...dont feel attractive or sexy or worth it..which is crazy i know ... but its honest..i feel as though i seem to be putting everyone first....which is how its supposed be right?